Yep.

So here, I am. Back once again to the familiar confines of Blogger. My friend, I have missed you so. Sorry to be so neglectful.

Welcome to all my readers on Facebook! Feel free to leave comments (i.e. make fun of me, yell at me, do whatever).

Things have been getting better in Andrea-land. While I'm not completely over Damian and the shock of my relationship breaking up so suddenly, I'm getting stronger by the day. I still do have my moments though. Moments where I just want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry on my couch. I did that the other day and it felt pretty good. However, other days, I'm back to my old happy, funny, tragically nerdy self and that feels pretty damn wonderful as well. Still don't trust guys. Still have a wall around me. It's a defense mechanism.

Work is good. Sometimes though, I still feel like the new person, even though I've been there quite a while now. Only a few people go out of their way to talk to me. I never really get invited anywhere. I'm not quite sure what others think about me. Of course, I've always been that way, kinda insecure, kinda neurotic. I'm not hot like 90% of the people who work there. I'm not a drinker or a partier. I just thought that by now, people would have made a concerted effort to get to know me and like what they saw. So what if I'm not gorgeous and skinny and I don't define my life by how fucked up I get of an evening. I don't have a lot of money. I have horrible fashion sense, but you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm okay with who I am. I have some of the greatest friends in the world, who don't care about all that superficial bullshit. I thought I left all the high school stuff behind. Oh well, I was used to being the social outcast there too, so I just have to learn how to do it once again.

This blog was going somewhere, but I got all tangential on your asses and it kinda went off track. I'm tired. I'm spent. Long day.

Peace.

-A

With love, and patience, and with faith, she'll make her way.

above lyric from 'Wonder' by Natalie Merchant

I hope everyone had a hippity hoppity happy Easter. I did. Did the whole family thing and it was good. Had way too much to eat and felt bloated, but content, for the rest of the evening.

I've really gotten into two bands recently -- meaning that they've been running through my heads on an alternating basis. The first is Gym Class Heroes. They're an alternative hip-hop band that's really good. They have that song that samples Supertramp. Their song is called Cupid's Chokehold. I downloaded a bunch of their stuff for Jason and eventually, got into it myself.

The second is not a band, but just a singer. Her name is Amy Winehouse and she's awesome. She's an English jazz and soul singer. Her voice is so gravelly and rough, but she sounds like a modern day Sarah Vaughn. She's a total badass too. I had heard about her and didn't want to like her, but ended up falling in love with her song 'Rehab'. It's such a good song. Been in my head all day.

I've also been rediscovering my love for Madonna. I downloaded a bunch of it the other day, because I'm lame and I can. I've been in a real chick music sort of mood. Hence the Natalie Merchant quote as the title of this blog. Dunno what's wrong with me.

How many times do I have to continue touching upon this before people will listen. If you have a problem with me, please come to me. Gossping about it to others isn't going to help matters whatsoever. I don't want to go to the movies every weekend. I don't want to go somewhere and watch others get drunk when I can eat at home or somewhere cheaper and have just as much fun. What ever happened to game nights?

If you aren't happy with my relationship, then tell me. Don't expect me to just realize it myself. I've heard just a few people tell me how happy I look and how happy they are for me. I've had only a few people be supportive of me -- so thank you Joe and Jason, Marie, Steve, Heather, Nate, and Scuba. Pat yourselves on the back and if I had any cookies, I'd give you one. The rest of you are making my life quite difficult and adding unneeded stress to my relationship. If you have a problem, talk to me about it. That is the last time I'm saying it. If you don't like Damian, tell me. Maybe I don't hang out because I don't want to see the movie you're seeing or because I'm sick of seeing movies. What about a barbecue? Or going to City Museum, or the park? What about other fun stuff around this city that we never ever do.

And that's the last time I'm saying it.

ANDREA

"Where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever, since you've been gone"

above lyric from "Where'd You Go?" by Fort Minor

I'm here.

For those of you who don't know, Damian and I are moving in together in June. Please keep your negative comments about "It doesn't work out" to yourself. I don't want to hear them. I have finally come to the realization that this is good for me.

Which leads me to my NEXT point:

I did a lot of thinking tonight. From now on, I'm going to have to start standing up for myself. Something happened and I felt backed into a corner, as I've felt a lot recently. Well, you know what, I don't have anyone to answer to. I mean, sure, I'm accountable for my actions. But, if I do something, it's because I want to do it, not because I feel pressured or guilted, or backed into a corner. It's time for me to start feeling good, because I haven't in a while.

Stuff with Damian is great. He's one of the few bright spots right now.

Allow me to address some issues that have come up recently.

1. Under no circumstances am I ditching anyone to hang out with my boyfriend. Look, maybe I can't afford to go out to a movie and dinner. I'm saving up for a move. I'll go when I have time and money. Otherwise, don't be cross with me for not hanging out, because I won't hear it. Put yourself in my shoes and walk around for a while. Movies are expensive. Dinner is expensive. I'd rather just put in a pizza, curl up in my jammies, and watch something I rented or burned. It's cheaper that way. Anyone is welcome to join me.

2. There's been a little 4 letter word tossed around attached to my name recently. It starts wtih a 'c' and ends with 'unt'. I have asked that this word not be used in my presence and have been met with static. Therefore, you know what, you all have free reign now. Use it. Text me with it. Don't care. I don't understand how friends can't respect the wishes of other friends, but I'll make a concession. I'm a cunt. There.

And now...the personal shoutouts

@Mom -- Sorry I've been such a loser lately. Just got a lot of stuff on my mind. Trying to make my own way in the world. I love you. Thank you and Dad for your advice and support. Enjoyed our conversation tonight. I understand now.

@Posch -- You were the inspiration for the title of this blog. Don't take that the wrong way. You told me the other day that you missed me and it affected me a great deal. I'm still here. I haven't gone anywhere. You're still my #1 girl friend and my partner in crime. I love you like a sister, Jessica. No matter who I'm with, I'm still going to be there for you. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy with the direction my life is heading. I may be confused and scared a lot of the time, but I'm fine. And I'm here. I'm still the same old Andrea I always was. I just can't hang out a lot because of money, school kicking my ass, fatigue, sickness, and yeah, at times, Damian. However, that doesn't change anything. I'm still me. I'm still 1/3 of the Trifecta. And I'm still with you guys.

@Marie - You've helped me out a lot these past few weeks, just talking to me and stuff. Welcome back, friend.

@Beaver - I know we've gone through our fair share of stuff, but I never mean any harm. The whole 'finishing the Dark Tower' thing has got to drop. I've never felt so horrible for finishing a book in my whole life. Reading should never be about competition. It should be for enjoyment and enrichment. And in case you didn't know, man, you're irreplaceable. Despite everything, you are such a wonderful person that no one could ever take the place of.

@Everyone else -- Look, I know I've been a crabby bitch, flaking out, somewhat evasive. I just have a lot on my plate and a lot in my head. It's hard to jam all these feelings and thoughts into myself and still be able to take more shit in. I try to do what I can. I try to be the best person I can be. Should I not be allowed to vent frustrations? Am I not allowed to say how I feel? If you don't care, fine. I'll still be there to listen to you and your problems and your frustrations. I'm being pulled in a zillion and a half directions right now, by many different commitments and people. And when I can't do something or I'm somehow "wrong" in words or action, I get flipped shit about it or people don't come to me. Look, I don't bite. If you have a problem, talk to me. I'll listen.

Right now, I just ask that everyone let me live the way I see fit. You are all still my dear friends and I love you all like family. I need time to sort some things out in my head. And I want time to enjoy being happy with the person I love, without having to worry about other thinking I'm flaking out or ditching people. That's simply not the case. I want everyone to get along and I want everyone to support everyone else.

A wise woman once told me, "Sometimes you have to miss shit." Tonight, I'm missing Blades of Glory @ Ronnie's because, simply, I'm tired. Mentally exhausted. That, and I'm saving every penny I have so I don't have to put my tail between my legs and ask my parents for help with rent or bills. And as I said, I'm preparing to move. Right now, I'm in the process of making a mental list of things to take, get rid of, where to live, stuff like that. I don't need anymore stress.

I guess I just sorta broke down tonight. I'm better now. I stopped crying long before this blog was written. Just bear with me, respect me, my relationships, and the way I choose to live my life. Everything is going to be just fine. I promise.

I'm always leaving, but I never go away.
ANDREA

I don’t buy everything I read, I haven't even read everything I bought.

above lyric from "This is Where it Ends" by Barenaked Ladies.

Yep, back to the song quotes! Back to the blog too, it seems.

Was supposed to have dinner with my lovely boyfriend tonight, but he hurt his ankle at work. Hope it heals soon. I don't like it when people I care about are in pain.

In reference to the blog title, books. I've done a lot of reading over the past few weeks, some really stellar books.

Here they are, in the order they were finished.

Pledged - Alexandra Robbins : Explores the innerworkings of sorority life. Excellent investigative non-fiction. I recommend it to Greeks and non-Greeks alike.

Night - Elie Weisel : This book was way too short. That's the only downfall. Beautifully written, poignant non-fiction potrayal of the author's life as a teenager in a Nazi concentration camp. It's a really short read, I highly recommend this to anyone.

Fargo Rock City - Chuck Klosterman : CK is my favorite non-fiction music writer. This chronicles his experience growing up as a metalhead in rural North Dakota. This is actually my least favorite of all the books he's written, but it's still good. I recommend this one to ANY music fan, especially metalheads.

Still working on :
Naked - David Sedaris : Hope to get this one done in the next day or two. It's a non-fiction book dealing with life experiences of the author. Humorous and really catching.

Magical Thinking - Augusten Burroughs -- another book in the vein of David Sedaris type writing. Like Sedaris, Burroughs is a gay man with many stories to tell. However, unlike Sedaris, Burroughs has had quite the exciting life. I recommend this one highly.

The Dark Tower V : Wolves of the Calla - Stephen King -- The ONLY fiction book of the bunch. This one is getting pretty good. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it. So much better than Wizards and Glass.

**If anyone would like to borrow any books from The Andrea Library, do let me know**

Guys, I'm really happy. I have jobs and am making money. I'm trying to sub as much as possible. My friends are really great. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who inspires me so much and makes me happy. You should all be so proud of yourselves, because you're wonderful people. And I love you all.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do.

Turn the page,
ANDREA

I don't wanna come back down from this cloud, it's taken me all this time to find out what I need

Geeks rule.
I can say that cause I'm dating one :)

Happy happy happy happy girl!

-A

Currently listening to : The Clash - Rock the Casbah
Mood : enthralled

All-encompassing

I am no longer employed at my old job @ the doctor's office. THANK FUCKING GOD! Still got a paycheck and hopefully a bonus coming, so I'll be nice and comfy until my new job gets rolling.

Some fun quotes from the past few days:

Andrea : That looks good (gazing at Jason's meaty goodness on his plate at the chinese restaurant by the K-Mart)
Jason : Yeah, it's called Choo Choo Chicken.
Joe : And a microphone.

(It's a Beck joke, for those of you not cool enough to like Beck)

"Jason and I just totally fucked up the universe" -Joe

"So they were out in the hallway and he pushed her up against the wall and kissed her. Then he just said "Oh fuck it" and whipped his dick out" -- nameless source about a nameless person

"Fuck that tubby bitch" --Me! (regarding an old friend of ours who fucked someone over royally)

"A dreidel. Gee. Thanks." Me!

There are some things I truly hate about blogs. First, the word 'blog'. It sounds like a bodily function. "I'm blogging" or "I blogged" just sounds completely insane. However, the thing I hate most about blogs is how people can write something in their blog and feel completely justified for saying it, because it's THEIR blog. I know, you're all thinking. "Yeah, and..." I just don't understand why people, upon reprimanding you for something and talking it out with you, feel compelled to reprimand you on their blog for something that had already been talked about and settled hours before. It's pretty much a dick move. Yeah, I said it. But you know what, fuck it. It's my blog. I can say whatever I want. I still think it's extremely rude though -- it's already been settled. Excuse me for being concerned. I'm sure my personal life and decisions have been discussed amongst others, as I have done the same thing. Don't tell me this isn't true. I know. How does that make you any different than me? I know I'm opening myself up and I don't really care.

While I'm on the subject of people. I remember an ad put out by Anheuser Busch about 10 years ago, stating simply, Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk. I think a couple of you need to take that one and really ponder it for a while. I'm not looking forward to the day that one of my friends leaves another person's home, after drinking a half-dozen Jager bombs or a 12 pack or whatever, gets in the car, and kills someone, or worse, kills themselves. What kind of a friend are you that you don't care enough about a person to discourage them from driving? While they are adult enough to make their own decisions, granted, you are also old enough to know that PEOPLE FUCKING DIE. A car is 2 ton death machine basically, when operated by an alcohol addled person. It's a machine. Would you want a drunk doctor operating on you? While drunk driving has never affected me directly, I just don't understand how knowing that people are drunk or knowing that they have a drinking problem and you have WATCHED them drink a substantial amount, that you still deem it okay to let them get in a car and drive. Put yourselves in their shoes. You're drunk, behind the wheel and you slam head on into a car. You kill someone's mother or father, child, pet, whatever. more than likely, you're going to jail for a long time. Not just jail, but prison, pound me in the ass prison. Then you get the stigma over your head for the REST OF YOUR LIFE as someone who got drunk, got in a car, and killed someone. Say you don't kill anyone and get a DWI. Unless you're fucking rich, good luck getting out of that one. Between lawyers, classes, court, etc, you're out a few thousand bucks when it's all over.

If we're at a party and you're drunk, I'll be happy to give you a ride home. As a matter of fact, I'd prefer it. At least I know that you're not endangering yourself or someone else. If you're over at my home, you WILL NOT under any circumstances drive if you've been drinking. I'll wrestle your keys away from you if I need to. I have a couch, feel free to use it. And if you need more beer, I'll be happy do drive my happy and justifiably self-righteous ass to the nearest store to buy you more libations. I'd rather do that than have someone live wtih the guilt of having killed someone. I don't want to live with the guilt of being an accessory to someone's death. If you don't like the rule, don't come over.

For example, take the case of Matt Browning, the St. Louis City police officer that lost BOTH of his legs when he was hit by a drunk driver after the 2004 baseball playoffs. That guy got 3 years in jail for 2nd-degree assault. 3 years, and then he's out. Browning won't be able to be a police officer anymore, won't be out on the street arresting the bad people, because HE DOESN'T HAVE LEGS ANYMORE. He's in a wheelchair, forever, because someone decided that they were okay to get in their car. And I wonder how many of their friends tried to talk them out of it.

I'm having deja vu. it seems I've had this discussion before. This can of worms has been re-opened. I think it was probably February or March of this year that i got pissed off about this the first time. I'm just really glad no one was hurt or killed or arrested. Cars can be replaced. People can't.

I know people are going to tell me that I'm totally wrong on this and that my opinion isn't valid or whatever, or that we're adults and can make a decision on our own. why put the blame on someone else though. It's always someone else's fault. And I know that a lot of this is all hypothetical, but isn't it our job to look out for friends? If they refuse, oh well, you warned them. A simple "Dude, you stay here, I'll go." or "Don't drive. You're fucked up." can save not only your friends life, but the lives of someone's mom, someone's brother, someone's infant, child, etc. Bad decisions can affect so many people for a long time. If you don't agree with what I've said, that's fine. You are by all means entitled not to. Just don't expect me to feel sorry for anyone who ends up in prison or severely injured in a hospital bed for driving drunk, because I won't.

Just think about it, friends. Long and hard. Think about it. That's all I have to say.

And you know what? It's my blog and I can say whatever I want.

Word.
-A

RMoMHaGD, Inc.

That's the most clever thing I think anyone has ever come up with. Must be nice to have time to sit around and make up little acronyms.

When was the last time I spilled someone's business all over the place. Where's my cookie, goddammit?

I don't have internet access and it's pissing me off. No cable either. Fucking charter.

Blah.
-A