"Where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever, since you've been gone"

above lyric from "Where'd You Go?" by Fort Minor

I'm here.

For those of you who don't know, Damian and I are moving in together in June. Please keep your negative comments about "It doesn't work out" to yourself. I don't want to hear them. I have finally come to the realization that this is good for me.

Which leads me to my NEXT point:

I did a lot of thinking tonight. From now on, I'm going to have to start standing up for myself. Something happened and I felt backed into a corner, as I've felt a lot recently. Well, you know what, I don't have anyone to answer to. I mean, sure, I'm accountable for my actions. But, if I do something, it's because I want to do it, not because I feel pressured or guilted, or backed into a corner. It's time for me to start feeling good, because I haven't in a while.

Stuff with Damian is great. He's one of the few bright spots right now.

Allow me to address some issues that have come up recently.

1. Under no circumstances am I ditching anyone to hang out with my boyfriend. Look, maybe I can't afford to go out to a movie and dinner. I'm saving up for a move. I'll go when I have time and money. Otherwise, don't be cross with me for not hanging out, because I won't hear it. Put yourself in my shoes and walk around for a while. Movies are expensive. Dinner is expensive. I'd rather just put in a pizza, curl up in my jammies, and watch something I rented or burned. It's cheaper that way. Anyone is welcome to join me.

2. There's been a little 4 letter word tossed around attached to my name recently. It starts wtih a 'c' and ends with 'unt'. I have asked that this word not be used in my presence and have been met with static. Therefore, you know what, you all have free reign now. Use it. Text me with it. Don't care. I don't understand how friends can't respect the wishes of other friends, but I'll make a concession. I'm a cunt. There.

And now...the personal shoutouts

@Mom -- Sorry I've been such a loser lately. Just got a lot of stuff on my mind. Trying to make my own way in the world. I love you. Thank you and Dad for your advice and support. Enjoyed our conversation tonight. I understand now.

@Posch -- You were the inspiration for the title of this blog. Don't take that the wrong way. You told me the other day that you missed me and it affected me a great deal. I'm still here. I haven't gone anywhere. You're still my #1 girl friend and my partner in crime. I love you like a sister, Jessica. No matter who I'm with, I'm still going to be there for you. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy with the direction my life is heading. I may be confused and scared a lot of the time, but I'm fine. And I'm here. I'm still the same old Andrea I always was. I just can't hang out a lot because of money, school kicking my ass, fatigue, sickness, and yeah, at times, Damian. However, that doesn't change anything. I'm still me. I'm still 1/3 of the Trifecta. And I'm still with you guys.

@Marie - You've helped me out a lot these past few weeks, just talking to me and stuff. Welcome back, friend.

@Beaver - I know we've gone through our fair share of stuff, but I never mean any harm. The whole 'finishing the Dark Tower' thing has got to drop. I've never felt so horrible for finishing a book in my whole life. Reading should never be about competition. It should be for enjoyment and enrichment. And in case you didn't know, man, you're irreplaceable. Despite everything, you are such a wonderful person that no one could ever take the place of.

@Everyone else -- Look, I know I've been a crabby bitch, flaking out, somewhat evasive. I just have a lot on my plate and a lot in my head. It's hard to jam all these feelings and thoughts into myself and still be able to take more shit in. I try to do what I can. I try to be the best person I can be. Should I not be allowed to vent frustrations? Am I not allowed to say how I feel? If you don't care, fine. I'll still be there to listen to you and your problems and your frustrations. I'm being pulled in a zillion and a half directions right now, by many different commitments and people. And when I can't do something or I'm somehow "wrong" in words or action, I get flipped shit about it or people don't come to me. Look, I don't bite. If you have a problem, talk to me. I'll listen.

Right now, I just ask that everyone let me live the way I see fit. You are all still my dear friends and I love you all like family. I need time to sort some things out in my head. And I want time to enjoy being happy with the person I love, without having to worry about other thinking I'm flaking out or ditching people. That's simply not the case. I want everyone to get along and I want everyone to support everyone else.

A wise woman once told me, "Sometimes you have to miss shit." Tonight, I'm missing Blades of Glory @ Ronnie's because, simply, I'm tired. Mentally exhausted. That, and I'm saving every penny I have so I don't have to put my tail between my legs and ask my parents for help with rent or bills. And as I said, I'm preparing to move. Right now, I'm in the process of making a mental list of things to take, get rid of, where to live, stuff like that. I don't need anymore stress.

I guess I just sorta broke down tonight. I'm better now. I stopped crying long before this blog was written. Just bear with me, respect me, my relationships, and the way I choose to live my life. Everything is going to be just fine. I promise.

I'm always leaving, but I never go away.
ANDREA