not a song. I don't need a song title for this one.
Early in june, I did something. I didn't think and I ended up hurting someone deeply. I was selfish and thought only of myself. Tonight, those actions of mine came back to haunt me, in the darkest way possible. I saw a side of the person that I hurt that I've never seen before. And you know what, I deserved everything I got -- every scream, every yell, every "Fuck off", every "Fuck you" every "I hate you", every "fucking bitch". I deserved it and they were justified in giving it to me. This is my apology.
@Nix -- I can offer you only one thing. My sincere apology. True, it may not be worth much, but inside, I feel like nothing. I feel like I betrayed you and ruined your life. I feel like shit right now, and I deserve to feel that way, because I didn't think about you on the one day that mattered to you the most. I was selfish. I wish there was a better way to say I'm sorry, and I know that it will never fix it completely. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I'd do it so much differently. I'd listen to your story, I'd let you go off on your own, to have time to think and to not think about the thing that haunts you most in life. I'd let you have your day. Instead, I was selfish and thought of myself. That makes me a horrible person and I hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I never want to go through what I went through tonight...all the rage and anger. It scared me, it upset me. I care about you deeply, with every fiber of my heart I care about you. I feel horrible and am publicly outing myself as someone who cares only about themselves, a selfish human, full of guilt and sorrow. Someone who hurts the ones they love, even if it's not deliberately. A terrible person, condemened to a life of confusion and pain because of the selfish decision I made. I would do anything in the world to make this up to you. Anything at all, any cost, any action. But for now, all I can offer is my apology and a plea for forgiveness, from a selfish human.
HIZZY
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This is a place where I speak my mind, tell my story, and just generally reveal myself and my feelings. This is a place for me and for you. You are welcome here, so stay for a while.
2 comments:
@Andrea: Don't categorize yourself as a 'selfish human' like that. At times, you try way too hard to be liked; you also hate being left out of things (like guy's nights); and yeah, you do smother Nix a bit, but it's only because you care, not because you're "mean". You're a good person when it comes down to it, and you shouldn't lose sight of that.
(from Quilled Scripts)
P.S. It's no wonder people think I'm such a dick - just look at the completely asshole way I just treated Hizzy! :P
Hizz, you have never been a "truly" selfish person. If anything, you are overly caring. I truly appreciate all you have done for me and all you have tolerated.
We had already had this discussion in a more sane conversation, so that was uncalled for.
Please accept this as my, probably 5th or 6th apology, but my first public one.
Nix says: I'm sorry we aren't compatible, as well.
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