With love, and patience, and with faith, she'll make her way.

above lyric from 'Wonder' by Natalie Merchant

I hope everyone had a hippity hoppity happy Easter. I did. Did the whole family thing and it was good. Had way too much to eat and felt bloated, but content, for the rest of the evening.

I've really gotten into two bands recently -- meaning that they've been running through my heads on an alternating basis. The first is Gym Class Heroes. They're an alternative hip-hop band that's really good. They have that song that samples Supertramp. Their song is called Cupid's Chokehold. I downloaded a bunch of their stuff for Jason and eventually, got into it myself.

The second is not a band, but just a singer. Her name is Amy Winehouse and she's awesome. She's an English jazz and soul singer. Her voice is so gravelly and rough, but she sounds like a modern day Sarah Vaughn. She's a total badass too. I had heard about her and didn't want to like her, but ended up falling in love with her song 'Rehab'. It's such a good song. Been in my head all day.

I've also been rediscovering my love for Madonna. I downloaded a bunch of it the other day, because I'm lame and I can. I've been in a real chick music sort of mood. Hence the Natalie Merchant quote as the title of this blog. Dunno what's wrong with me.

How many times do I have to continue touching upon this before people will listen. If you have a problem with me, please come to me. Gossping about it to others isn't going to help matters whatsoever. I don't want to go to the movies every weekend. I don't want to go somewhere and watch others get drunk when I can eat at home or somewhere cheaper and have just as much fun. What ever happened to game nights?

If you aren't happy with my relationship, then tell me. Don't expect me to just realize it myself. I've heard just a few people tell me how happy I look and how happy they are for me. I've had only a few people be supportive of me -- so thank you Joe and Jason, Marie, Steve, Heather, Nate, and Scuba. Pat yourselves on the back and if I had any cookies, I'd give you one. The rest of you are making my life quite difficult and adding unneeded stress to my relationship. If you have a problem, talk to me about it. That is the last time I'm saying it. If you don't like Damian, tell me. Maybe I don't hang out because I don't want to see the movie you're seeing or because I'm sick of seeing movies. What about a barbecue? Or going to City Museum, or the park? What about other fun stuff around this city that we never ever do.

And that's the last time I'm saying it.

ANDREA

"Where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever, since you've been gone"

above lyric from "Where'd You Go?" by Fort Minor

I'm here.

For those of you who don't know, Damian and I are moving in together in June. Please keep your negative comments about "It doesn't work out" to yourself. I don't want to hear them. I have finally come to the realization that this is good for me.

Which leads me to my NEXT point:

I did a lot of thinking tonight. From now on, I'm going to have to start standing up for myself. Something happened and I felt backed into a corner, as I've felt a lot recently. Well, you know what, I don't have anyone to answer to. I mean, sure, I'm accountable for my actions. But, if I do something, it's because I want to do it, not because I feel pressured or guilted, or backed into a corner. It's time for me to start feeling good, because I haven't in a while.

Stuff with Damian is great. He's one of the few bright spots right now.

Allow me to address some issues that have come up recently.

1. Under no circumstances am I ditching anyone to hang out with my boyfriend. Look, maybe I can't afford to go out to a movie and dinner. I'm saving up for a move. I'll go when I have time and money. Otherwise, don't be cross with me for not hanging out, because I won't hear it. Put yourself in my shoes and walk around for a while. Movies are expensive. Dinner is expensive. I'd rather just put in a pizza, curl up in my jammies, and watch something I rented or burned. It's cheaper that way. Anyone is welcome to join me.

2. There's been a little 4 letter word tossed around attached to my name recently. It starts wtih a 'c' and ends with 'unt'. I have asked that this word not be used in my presence and have been met with static. Therefore, you know what, you all have free reign now. Use it. Text me with it. Don't care. I don't understand how friends can't respect the wishes of other friends, but I'll make a concession. I'm a cunt. There.

And now...the personal shoutouts

@Mom -- Sorry I've been such a loser lately. Just got a lot of stuff on my mind. Trying to make my own way in the world. I love you. Thank you and Dad for your advice and support. Enjoyed our conversation tonight. I understand now.

@Posch -- You were the inspiration for the title of this blog. Don't take that the wrong way. You told me the other day that you missed me and it affected me a great deal. I'm still here. I haven't gone anywhere. You're still my #1 girl friend and my partner in crime. I love you like a sister, Jessica. No matter who I'm with, I'm still going to be there for you. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy with the direction my life is heading. I may be confused and scared a lot of the time, but I'm fine. And I'm here. I'm still the same old Andrea I always was. I just can't hang out a lot because of money, school kicking my ass, fatigue, sickness, and yeah, at times, Damian. However, that doesn't change anything. I'm still me. I'm still 1/3 of the Trifecta. And I'm still with you guys.

@Marie - You've helped me out a lot these past few weeks, just talking to me and stuff. Welcome back, friend.

@Beaver - I know we've gone through our fair share of stuff, but I never mean any harm. The whole 'finishing the Dark Tower' thing has got to drop. I've never felt so horrible for finishing a book in my whole life. Reading should never be about competition. It should be for enjoyment and enrichment. And in case you didn't know, man, you're irreplaceable. Despite everything, you are such a wonderful person that no one could ever take the place of.

@Everyone else -- Look, I know I've been a crabby bitch, flaking out, somewhat evasive. I just have a lot on my plate and a lot in my head. It's hard to jam all these feelings and thoughts into myself and still be able to take more shit in. I try to do what I can. I try to be the best person I can be. Should I not be allowed to vent frustrations? Am I not allowed to say how I feel? If you don't care, fine. I'll still be there to listen to you and your problems and your frustrations. I'm being pulled in a zillion and a half directions right now, by many different commitments and people. And when I can't do something or I'm somehow "wrong" in words or action, I get flipped shit about it or people don't come to me. Look, I don't bite. If you have a problem, talk to me. I'll listen.

Right now, I just ask that everyone let me live the way I see fit. You are all still my dear friends and I love you all like family. I need time to sort some things out in my head. And I want time to enjoy being happy with the person I love, without having to worry about other thinking I'm flaking out or ditching people. That's simply not the case. I want everyone to get along and I want everyone to support everyone else.

A wise woman once told me, "Sometimes you have to miss shit." Tonight, I'm missing Blades of Glory @ Ronnie's because, simply, I'm tired. Mentally exhausted. That, and I'm saving every penny I have so I don't have to put my tail between my legs and ask my parents for help with rent or bills. And as I said, I'm preparing to move. Right now, I'm in the process of making a mental list of things to take, get rid of, where to live, stuff like that. I don't need anymore stress.

I guess I just sorta broke down tonight. I'm better now. I stopped crying long before this blog was written. Just bear with me, respect me, my relationships, and the way I choose to live my life. Everything is going to be just fine. I promise.

I'm always leaving, but I never go away.
ANDREA

I don’t buy everything I read, I haven't even read everything I bought.

above lyric from "This is Where it Ends" by Barenaked Ladies.

Yep, back to the song quotes! Back to the blog too, it seems.

Was supposed to have dinner with my lovely boyfriend tonight, but he hurt his ankle at work. Hope it heals soon. I don't like it when people I care about are in pain.

In reference to the blog title, books. I've done a lot of reading over the past few weeks, some really stellar books.

Here they are, in the order they were finished.

Pledged - Alexandra Robbins : Explores the innerworkings of sorority life. Excellent investigative non-fiction. I recommend it to Greeks and non-Greeks alike.

Night - Elie Weisel : This book was way too short. That's the only downfall. Beautifully written, poignant non-fiction potrayal of the author's life as a teenager in a Nazi concentration camp. It's a really short read, I highly recommend this to anyone.

Fargo Rock City - Chuck Klosterman : CK is my favorite non-fiction music writer. This chronicles his experience growing up as a metalhead in rural North Dakota. This is actually my least favorite of all the books he's written, but it's still good. I recommend this one to ANY music fan, especially metalheads.

Still working on :
Naked - David Sedaris : Hope to get this one done in the next day or two. It's a non-fiction book dealing with life experiences of the author. Humorous and really catching.

Magical Thinking - Augusten Burroughs -- another book in the vein of David Sedaris type writing. Like Sedaris, Burroughs is a gay man with many stories to tell. However, unlike Sedaris, Burroughs has had quite the exciting life. I recommend this one highly.

The Dark Tower V : Wolves of the Calla - Stephen King -- The ONLY fiction book of the bunch. This one is getting pretty good. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it. So much better than Wizards and Glass.

**If anyone would like to borrow any books from The Andrea Library, do let me know**

Guys, I'm really happy. I have jobs and am making money. I'm trying to sub as much as possible. My friends are really great. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who inspires me so much and makes me happy. You should all be so proud of yourselves, because you're wonderful people. And I love you all.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do.

Turn the page,
ANDREA

I don't wanna come back down from this cloud, it's taken me all this time to find out what I need

Geeks rule.
I can say that cause I'm dating one :)

Happy happy happy happy girl!

-A

Currently listening to : The Clash - Rock the Casbah
Mood : enthralled